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Divorced women sometimes stay stuck for years, feeling like there is no way out of their cash-poor and lonely life. That’s not what I’m about.
I’m about getting the things that I want, raising my kids to be powerful young women, and enjoying life — whether by myself or with a partner whom I love.
If you’re thinking, “Sure, whatever, but you don’t understand what a douche my ex-husband is, I don’t even know how I’m going to pay rent, and online dating is just not my thing,” listen up because I’ve got you, Mama!
I’m sharing this with you because I’ve been where you are too. Even though I used to have a ton of money after selling a business for $26 million, I just as quickly went flat broke. I ended up divorced and bitter and tied to a pathetic story revolving around misery and shame until I learned that life could be different, and it could be even more awesome than it ever was!
I’m sharing this with you to encourage you to start living your amazing life, and you can begin by questioning why you are doing the things that keep bringing you down. Over and over again.
Here are six things that I no longer do in order to live an amazing life after divorce.
1. TALK ABOUT MY EX. It’s not that I don’t have a ton of material here. I do. It’s just that spending evenings with other divorced women to commiserate about ex-husbands got me feeling like poop.
I would wake up the next day feel super crappy and hungover, even if I’d not been drinking. OK, who am I kidding, I was drinking. But still, talking about my ex really made me feel crummy inside.
Instead of letting my ex-husband seep into all aspects of my new social life, I stopped sharing stories about him, even when I had something juicy to tell! In the end, I feel better. Of course, I slip up sometimes but I remind myself of what’s important to me now — between being right about why my marriage ended or being happy in my new surroundings, I choose the latter!
2. FEEL LESS THAN BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE THE SAME STANDARD OF LIVING THAT I USED TO. I used to own three homes, shop at expensive stores, drive a fancy sports car, blah blah blah.
After my divorce, I used to wake up in the middle of the night and obsess over what went wrong. But all of that time spent trying to change the past exhausted me! I decided that what I used to have was not important.
Now I am writing a new story based on what is important to me NOW, not what I had THEN.
3. ACCEPT JOBS THAT KEEP ME BROKE.
Even though I once sold a company for lots of money, I came to a point where I had to go back to work. Since I had only ever worked for myself, I wasn’t sure where to start. But start I did.
At first, I took odd consulting jobs here and there. Working flexible hours, and not accepting the first 9-5 job to come my way, allowed me the freedom to interview for the right position. I knew that I wanted to make a good amount of money for me and my girls, and I knew that I wanted to be happy at my work. So I spent time finding the right work for me.
For more ideas on landing a good job, download my free list 9 Common Mistakes women make when re-entering the workforce and how to avoid them!
4. HAVE CASUAL SEX. For me, I can’t have sex without feeling attached to the guy, even if it’s a random dude who is totally inappropriate for me. I love sex, don’t get me wrong. But I know that the oxytocin blast is too much for me to handle when I’m not in a safe place.
For me, casual sex was a fun distraction for a while (should I share my stories from Cougarlife.com???) but then the pain lasted longer than the pleasure. Feeling bummed out and let down afterward would only linger a little while, but since that lasted longer than the pleasure did, I decided that it was not worth it. I backed off to find a loving partner who wanted me as much as I wanted him.
5. DISCUSS FEELINGS WITH DIVORCE LAWYERS. How do you rack up huge attorney fees? That’s easy! Tell your divorce lawyer about your feelings and frustrations. I’ve worked with family lawyers who seemingly double their billing time by asking trigger questions that could fuel a fire. If this happens to you, zip your lips!
When dealing with lawyers, I find email to be the best. My favorite lawyer uses an app where we share information and documents. I try to monitor myself to stick to the facts and not get into feelings. My therapist is expensive, but not as expensive as my lawyer!
6. BELIEVE THAT I AM IN CONTROL OF MY CHILDREN’S HAPPINESS. When I first got divorced, I acted like the ring master of a 3-ring circus — running amuck trying to orchestrate the feelings of my daughters aged 10, 7 and 5. Then I realized that wasn’t a manageable way to live. Not only that, I came to understand that even if I wanted to control my children’s happiness, I did not have the power to do so. No one has the power to make other people happy, even parents!
Once I began to respect that my girls each have their own life experience, and that they deserve the dignity to feel how they do, my life became more peaceful and so did my home. Now my daughters are 20, 17 and 15. They are powerful young women who treat me with respect.
These are things that I’ve gotten vigilient about changing in my life. It’s not about perfection, it’s about progress. It took me a long time to learn all of these things, and even longer to eliminate the bad habits that kept me in a really bad place. While I was learning, I read like crazy. You can see some of my favorite books on my Pin board.
As a single mom, you have a ton of responsibility. My life got way better when I stopped doing things that added even more drama and stress, and yours can too.
WANT SOME SUPPORT ON CREATING YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL LIFE? Stop making excuses and Join my private Facebook group for Single Moms